


Memory Of You

by PrettyKitty93



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Angst with a sort of happy ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Heartache, Heartbreak, Loss, M/M, Original Character(s), Pain, Post-Episode: s03e05 Children Of Earth - Day 5, Regret, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:48:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3886399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyKitty93/pseuds/PrettyKitty93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack remembers Ianto over the course of a day<br/>He remembers a lot about his life<br/>Trying to work out where it all fell apart</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Of Those Mornings

**Author's Note:**

> So those of you who know me, understand how bad I am at updating.  
> This is another old fix but I kind of forgot about it :(  
> But I'll share it now for you all xxx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It starts in the morning.  
> The mourning of a lost love  
> A dead man gone too soon  
> Memories of likes and dislikes  
> And suddenly, Jack is painfully aware of that loss

**{Woke today, another memory passes of you**   
**Shades of grey from those three broken words**   
**That unfold the truth but ...}**

Jack climbed out of the cold bed and walked to the other side of the room to the wardrobe. The hotel room was plain and bare; the only furnishings where the bed, wardrobe, bedside table and lamp. The walls were a plain, drab white and would have made Ianto cringe.

Jack smiled sadly at the reference of his dead partner. Even now four months on he still made references about Ianto’s likes and dislikes. He just couldn’t seem to move past his death.

He pulled his shirt on and pulled his braces to his shoulders, he smiled as he realised how the Welshman had always loved pulling them down during ...

Jack shook away the thought and grabbed his mobile from the bedside table. It would be a long time before he would leave this planet. Maybe when the screams and cries had faded from his dreams would he return to Earth again.

The memories haunted him and everything reminded him of Ianto. Just getting dressed flooded his mind with thoughts. What had the man done to him that living without him was so painful?

For the first time since Ianto’s death Jack wished the Doctor was here, not the new Doctor, _his_ Doctor. His Doctor with the sparkling, wisdom filled hazel brown eyes, the child like manner but the pain of his losses; who loved despite knowing the consequences, the man who left him ... who left him so that he could be with Ianto. The man who he’d loved but lost and made him realise _that_ love could never compare to what he had for Ianto Jones.

Scrolling through the contacts in his phone he stopped at the Doctor’s number, ignored it then carried on down to Gwen’s number ...

 _Move on, Jack_. Jack told himself before the temptation to text her became too much.

He rolled down to Martha’s number, opening a new message and typed a short text.

 

**_How are you all? Miss me? Lol xxx_ **

**_MESSAGE SENT_ **

****

Jack smiled as he remembered the first time Ianto had texted him 'lol�. He had thought it meant lots of love. And to be told it actually meant laugh out loud, Jack felt slightly disappointed to which Ianto replied how much he really did love Jack that ended in a long make out session ...

Again Jack shook the memory away before the sting of tears could touch his eyes.

Jack threw on his greatcoat and headed for the door. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and struggled to pull it out.

Martha had texted him a reply to his message, Jack read it.

 

**_Jack, course I miss you, we all do. Come home please. Sally wants to see her uncle Jack again. You know you're her favourite uncle, Jack. Love you and hope to see you soon xxxx_ **

**_MESSAGE SENT_ **

****

Jack smiled at the mention of Sally, Martha and Mickeys little girl of one and a half, if he remembered correctly; time travel was tricky at times.

Martha had recently frequented in ending her texts with ‘love you’ to ensure Jack would always be cared about.

‘Come home soon’ had also made him smile. He supposed Earth really _was_ his home now.

So many things made Jack smile about that text; ‘I miss you’, ‘come home soon’, ‘uncle Jack’, ‘love you’ and ‘hope to see you soon’. Okay so maybe all of the message made him smile.

Many things confused him though, like he still couldn’t believe Martha and Mickey were together.

Time travel really _was_ confusing _._ But still, their little girl was beautiful and he was happy to be part of a family again.

 

**_I miss you too, Martha. And Sally and Mickey. I don’t know when I'll come back yet. Sally will see her uncle Jack soon, I promise. And I'm technically her only uncle lol. Love you too Martha, obviously xxx_ **

**_MESSAGE SENT_ **

****

He smiled softly, relishing in the knowledge that no matter how far away he was, he had a family. He then pulled open the door and went to the bar to get breakfast.

He left the hotel shortly after, heading past the local bars and clubs that he had frequented in the last few months. Jack had had a few one-night stands from those nights at the bars. He had felt bad sleeping with people so soon after Ianto’s death and who he didn’t love, but in reality, he knew none of that mattered now.

He always left and moved on.

_No, Ianto had been different._

"I love you, Ianto Jones." He whispered to himself sadly.

He wished he had had the courage to say it before Ianto died. He blinked away the tears and carried on walking, the memories still haunting him.


	2. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack stopped at a café, walking in to order his usual coffee.  
> 'It won’t be as good as Ianto’s, it never is.'  
> He thought as he sat down and began to remember some other details about his dead partner.  
> He closed his eyes and his mind wandered back to a time long before this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about not updating this sooner, I didn't even remember I posted it xxxx

__**{I'll never forget those eyes, that beautiful smile  
I still remember the way you said "good-bye"  
No matter how hard I try I can't forget about}**

Jack stopped at a café, walking in to order his usual coffee.

 _It won’t be as good as Ianto’s, it never is._ He thought as he sat down and began to remember some other details about his dead partner.

He closed his eyes and his mind wandered back to a time long before this.

He wasn’t totally sure when he was right now but he knew that it was long after the incidents of Earth with the 456 and long after Gwen and Rhys’ deaths. Even long after their daughter’s death. Their granddaughter Amelia was well into her old age now. He had gone forward to the future to watch over Gwen and Rhys from a distance. Only a few times, just random points in their daughter’s life. But he had gone forward too late for Amelia. She was old; happy but very old while her children had grown up and moved on. 

But that wasn’t of Jack’s concern, the immortal preferred to think about Ianto and how things could have been different. It was stupid to beat himself up over it but that didn’t matter to him; he deserved it after all.

Everything that had happened was because of him; if he'd never let go of his brother's hand all those years ago. Never joined the time agency. Never stolen another man's identity. If he'd never travelled with the Doctor. Never hired his first team or his second and then his third; his _last_.

If he'd never hired the normal, wonderful people he had. The people who could have lived long full lives without him.

If he'd never hired Ianto ... he could have lived to a nice old age, maybe even had a beautiful wife and children. He'd have been happy, safe ... _loved_.

No, that was wrong. Ianto had been loved. Lisa had loved him. _Jack_ had loved him. Jack _still_ loved him.

The Captain stared down at his coffee, then decided to add more sugar; _too much_ sugar. It didn't matter, he wasn't going to drink it anyway.

The barista came to his table with a smile and a welcoming attitude.

"Can I get you anything?"

Jack looked up at the young girl; seventeen years old at the most, or maybe everyone just looked so young compared to Jack, and smiled gently.

"No thanks, darlin. I'm alright."

"If you don't mind me asking, sir, but ... are you okay?"

The girl was genuine in her concern and Jack could tell it wasn't just a "job requirement" question.

"I recently lost someone. It still hurts a bit. But don't worry yourself about it, love." He replied with a forced smile.

"I'm sorry." She said softly, touching his hand gently.

Jack smiled sadly in return, watching as the young barista turned and walked away.

She returned five minutes later and placed a chocolate muffin on the table.

"On the house." She said by way of explanation, before leaving Jack to serve other customers.

Jack looked down at the muffin and smiled softly.

It wasn't out of pity; the muffin, no, it was out of genuine kindness.

 _If only she knew_ Jack thought sadly.


	3. It's Just Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you, Jack. Don't forget me.”  
> “I won’t, Ianto. I could never forget you. I love you, too.”  
> “Goodbye, Jack.”  
> “Ianto. NO!”  
> Jack shook his head roughly, breathing heavy as a panic attack started.

**{Beautiful Girl on top of the world**  
**Don't fall down because an angel**  
**Should never touch ground}**

_“I love you, Jack. Don't forget me.”_

_“I won’t, Ianto. I could never forget you. I love you, too.”_

_“Goodbye, Jack.”_

_“Ianto. NO!”_

Jack shook his head roughly, breathing heavy as a panic attack started.

He’d left the coffee shop and had been walking down the plaza (if that’s what it could be called) on this still mysterious planet when his thoughts had unconsciously drifted back to Ianto.

He’d been trying to avoid such thoughts when a man (probably an alien) had walked past who wore a suit just like one of Ianto’s and it had caused Jack’s eyes to follow him hopefully.

The immortal tried to breathe deeply, shaking as sobs started to wrack his body and tears fell from his eyes. He didn’t know how much longer he could take this guilt and pain before it either consumed him or killed him for good. He wasn’t even sure which he preferred anymore.

He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes before stalking over to the nearest open club, looking for a warm body to fuck senselessly for the night.

Signaling the bar man, he took a seat at the bar while he surveyed the room of potential suspects.

“Hey, what can I get you, handsome?” The pretty brunette asked with a flirtatious smile.

 _Perfect_ Jack thought, looking the pretty young man over.

“Well, I came for whiskey and a hot body to spend the night with. Looks like I’ve managed to find both without much trouble.” Jack replied, flashing his flirtatious smile.

“Mmm, really? Handsome man like you not already spoken for. I find that surprising.” The barman smiled back, running his hand down Jack’s arm delicately.

Jack ignored the pang in his chest and forced a smile back at the barman.

“No. I’m not. Are you?” He asked instead, reaching up to stroke his fingers down the young man’s face.

“Does it matter?” He grinned, grabbing a glass from under the bar and the whiskey bottle from behind him.

“Not really. So long as I don’t get some jealous boyfriend after me. I don’t really care.” Jack grinned, accepting the glass from the man.

“Don’t worry about that, baby. They don’t mind sharing me.” The barman replied, giving Jack a cheeky wink.

“ _They_? Mmm, you’ll have to introduce me to the others one day.”

x..x

An hour later Jack and the brunette were snogging against the wall in Jack’s hotel room; the sound of their heavy breathing loud in the otherwise quiet room.

“Name’s Drew by the way.” The brunette said between kisses.

“Don’t care.” Jack replied, pulling Drew’s t-shirt up over his head.

“Oh don’t be like that, baby. Don’t you want to know the name you’re gonna be screaming later?” Drew pouts at Jack, running his hands up his chest.

“Listen, all I want to do is fuck you and send you on your way. I don’t give a fuck what your name is. I probably won’t remember you tomorrow anyway. You want a boyfriend then fuck off now. You want a good fucking then shut up.” Jack snapped, his hands frozen on Drew’s belt.

“Fine. I just wanted it to be good for you, baby.” He smiled softly, leaning in to kiss Jack tenderly.

The immortal pushed him away roughly, pulling the guy’s jeans and boxers down in one, ignoring the guy completely.

“No talking then?” Drew asked, pulling at Jack’s braces.

“Don’t say anything else stupid and you can say whatever you like.” Jack replied, pulling his braces down and starting on his shirt.

“Okay then.”

After what seemed like the longest time, the two were finally naked and Jack quickly pulled on a condom before looking back over at the younger man.

“Got the stamina to hold on if I fuck you against the wall?” Jack asked roughly, already lifting one of the man’s legs.

“For you, baby? I’d ride that cock until I died of heart failure.”

“Good.” Jack grinned despite himself, lifting the man with ease and wrapping his legs round his waist.

Drew wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck and braced himself, kissing the immortal’s neck.

Jack forced him down onto his cock and started to roughly fuck him against the wall, causing the younger man to practically scream in pleasure.

“Right little whore you are, aren’t you?” Jack asked breathlessly, grabbing Drew’s hands and pinning them to the wall above his head.

“I’d be anything for you, baby. Fucking anything so long as you don’t stop.” Drew moaned, pushing down to meet Jack’s thrusts.

“Unfortunately, even you can’t be _exactly_ what I want. But right now, that doesn’t matter.” Jack replied, pulling out almost completely and shoving back in hard.

“FUCK!” Drew screamed, orgasming between himself and Jack.

Jack continued to roughly fuck him, knowing he’d leave bruises and not caring one bit. This was sex, nothing else. Tomorrow he’d go out, find another man and fuck his brains out too.

Jack silently orgasmed, placing Drew back down on his feet before pulling away from him.

“You can go now.” Jack replied, pulling his boxers back on.

“No goodbye kiss?” Drew smirked, walking over to Jack and wrapping his hands round his waist. “Come on, you know you want to. Then I’ll leave.”

Jack rolled his eyes but turned in Drew’s arms, pulling his head up and snogging him fiercely.

Drew moaned and practically melted into Jack, before the immortal pushed him away.

“Leave!”

“Okay, baby. But you know where to find me if you want me again.” He grinned, pulling his clothes on and walking out the door.

Jack fell onto his bed and curled in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably. A long time ago, meaningless sex was so fun but with his heart broken, Jack could only think about what he’d lost.


	4. Forcing You Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jack, don’t go. I love you.” Ianto says, tears falling down in cheek.  
> “And? What, did you think I love you? You poor man. I don’t love you.”  
> Jack laughs, grabbing his coat off the arm of the couch.  
> “Jack, why are you saying all of this? I thought I meant something to you.”  
> Ianto sobs, grabbing his lover’s arm.

**{Last embrace, forcing you away before it's too late**   
**I end this day in a most bitter way**   
**A regretful state}**

He lay on the bed sobbing until he fell asleep and drifted into a nightmare filled sleep.

_“Jack, don’t go. I love you.” Ianto says, tears falling down in cheek._

_“And? What, did you think I love you? You poor man. I don’t love you. You’re just someone to pass the time with. I’m immortal. Do you think I could ever love someone who will die one day? Don’t be so naïve, Ianto.” Jack laughs, grabbing his coat off the arm of the couch._

_“Jack, why are you saying all of this? I thought I meant something to you.” Ianto sobs, grabbing his lover’s arm._

_“Listen,_ baby _, it’s been fun but I’ve got to go. Same time tomorrow though, yeah? You know I love those sexy suits.”_

_“Jack!”_

_“Bye, gorgeous.” Jack replies, winking at Ianto and ignoring his tears._

Jack awoke screaming in a pool of sweat, rubbing furiously at his eyes as his own words and cruel actions towards Ianto echoed in his mind.

He knew it was guilt and heartbreak that caused the nightmare but those feelings weren’t the only reason for it.

That’s what he must have made Ianto feel when he ran off to be with the Doctor or when he’d said what he had to Gwen.

He knew Ianto had loved him for quite some time before he ran away with the Doctor that last time; before The Year That Never Was. But he’d got caught up in seeing the Time Lord again that he just didn’t think about Ianto.

It did make him wonder though what had happened if he’d never let himself fall for the Welshman at all. Maybe the pain would be easier to deal with if he could have just not got so emotionally attached to Ianto.

He reached over to the bedside table and pulled out his mobile, scrolling through his photos until he found one of Ianto.

He smiled softly as he stared at the photo; Ianto was fast asleep in Jack’s arms and was snuggled into his chest. He looked so beautiful and peaceful that Jack’s chest ached with longing, wishing he could go back and see Ianto one more time.

The Captain knew even going back one more time would make him want to pick the Welshman up in his arms and run away with him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to let him go if he ever got that chance.

Jack sighed loudly and scrolled through some more photos, knowing he was torturing himself mercilessly by doing so but not caring.

He deserved guilt and pain for being so stupid. He’d known he couldn’t reason with the 456 but still he’d tried and it had cost him the love of his life.

After an hour or so, he put his phone away and decided to he’d head down to a club again; debating whether to get blind drunk or find another man (or alien) to sleep with tonight.

He took a deep breath and forced all thoughts of Ianto from his mind, grabbing his coat and leaving the hotel behind him.


	5. Hold Me One Last Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jack gets drunk he ends up hallucinating  
> But thankfully it's the one person he wants so desperately to see  
> And the Captain falls asleep dreaming of what could have been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad this one is finally done. Didn't even know I'd uploaded until the other day. Got a few more Torchwood fics to do yet though so glad that's one down xxx

**{Here I lay, I drift away,**

**you come in and lay beside me**

**It's got to be a memory that**

**feels so real but just beyond me}**

Jack had knocked back yet another whiskey; _how many was it now_ he thought, shrugging his shoulders and ordering another.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, love?” A young barmaid asked, looking sympathetically at the Captain.

“No. Now, can I get another one?” Jack asked, glaring at the girl.

“Fine. Just don’t start any trouble here.” She huffed back, pouring him another glass.

“I won’t.”

She rolled her eyes at him and moved onto the next customer, smiling politely at them.

Drew; the barman, sauntered over to Jack and sat down next to him with a grin.

“Hey, gorgeous.”

“Hi.” Jack replied, dropping his charming act.

“So, I was wondering if you wanted to have a repeat of earlier, handsome.” Drew said, running his hand through Jack’s hair.

“I’m good, thanks.” Jack replied, pulling Drew’s hand away.

“Oh, come on. It was _amazing_. You’re so good. Best I’ve ever had.”

“Yeah, I _know_. But I told you no. I’m not looking for long term. I’m looking for escape. And you’re no-where near good enough to keep me entertained for that long.”

“Hey, there’s no need to get nasty. I was only looking for fun. Geez, what’s wrong with you?” Drew snapped, leaning away from Jack.

“My partner was murdered! That’s what’s fucking wrong with me, you little slut!” Jack growled, grabbing Drew by the front of his shirt.

Drew’s eyes went wide and he immediately looked horrified.

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry. Really, baby, I am.” He replied softly, reaching out to touch Jack’s cheek.

The Captain flinched away, feeling the tears running down his face as he let the Drew go.

“Yeah well. Forget about it.” Jack snapped, turning back to his drink.

Drew took the hint and stood up, walking away to look for his boyfriends.

“Thank fuck.” Jack sighed, knocking back another whiskey.

“I think it’s time you went home.” The barmaid said softly, taking the glass from Jack.

Jack looked up at her and was about to snap when he saw her look; she was right, it was time to go.

He left the club and headed back towards the hotel, all the while wondering when it had happened; when had he fell in love with Ianto Jones, he couldn’t remember.

He let himself into his room, stripping down to his boxers before crawling into bed.

Sometime later he felt the bed dip beside him and sat up to see who it was.

“Hey, cariad.” The young man smiled, gently stroking Jack’s sweat soaked fringe out of his face.

“ _Ianto_?” Jack sobbed, lying back down on the bed.

“I can’t stay for long, you know that. But I’ll stay until you fall asleep, Jack.” Ianto replied, kissing Jack softly.

“You’re just an hallucination from my drunk addled mind, aren’t you?” The Captain asked sadly, reaching out to touch the young man.

“I’m afraid so, darling. But apparently you needed to see me one more time, so here I am.”

“I wish you were still here, Yan. I never got to tell you how much I love you. There are so many things we’ll never get to do together.” Jack sobbed, burring his head in his pillow.

“I know, cariad. Time was too short for us. But I loved you until the very end, you know that.” Ianto replied gently, stroking Jack’s face.

The Captain nodded in response as he continued to cry; his whole body shaking because of it.

“Try to get some sleep, love. It will be time to go home soon.” Ianto said softly, curling up into the Captain.

“I miss you.”

“I know, love. It’s going to be okay, one day. It won’t hurt as much.”

“Yes, it will.”

“Sshh, get some sleep.” Ianto chided softly, placing a ghost of a kiss against Jack’s forehead.

The Captain fell asleep almost immediately, dreams filled with his dead partner; but this time, they didn’t hurt, they were filled with a future both men were robbed of.

And Jack smiled to himself as he let himself pretend that he could feel Ianto wrapped up in his arms as he slept.


End file.
